Me - "If You Really Knew Me."

If you really knew me...

- After months of being in my mothers womb, i decided to make my grand appearance on December 10, 1991.

I wanted to explore this world, even if that meant being five weeks early. From that first day of my new life, i've grown to find out who i am supposed to be and i continue searching more and more.

- My childhood is one that i want to remember and look back on.

Friends who have stayed and left, memories that i pray will stick with me forever, pictures that tell 1000 words, family that has impacted my life beyond anything at all, hard times that have pushed me and made me grow, lessons that i have learned from, knowledge that i will forever use, silly games that have made me laugh and smile, and the beauty of this world and life that have inspired me to cherish every little thing known to me. I guess i could say that i wouldn't have my past any other way. "There are moments when i wish i could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but i have a feeling that if i did, the joy would be gone as well. So i take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever i can." - Nicholas Sparks. My past has molded me into the woman i am today.

- My life is NOT by all means easy, and no one said it would be, i just expected it to be.

Everyday i'm faced with trials and obstacles and they for sure aren't something that is easy. Life throws unexpected things at me all the time and some are super hard to deal with! I get thru them but there are always those ones that take a toll on me for awhile and its hard to shake them. I can honestly say that i never thought it would be super easy but i never expected it to be this difficult. I struggle everyday with something and whatever it is, i try my hardest to get thru it, no matter what it takes.

- Love plays a huge roll in my life.

I give out love quicker than you can say love. Thats just the person i am; although, sometimes it ends up hurting me in the end. Im so quickly to love that i don't ever fully see the consequences/effects that might be tagged along with it and come up. My heart is SO big and i can care and love a lot but its not the healthiest for me. It really stinks that i can say i love you so quick to someone that i meet and not think about the true meaning. I'm pretty good with saying that to friends and family, which is a good thing; Luckily, i don't say that too soon with a guy. Love in the end gets me either in trouble or gives me the best feelings in the world.

- The past defines me, the present prepares me, and the future scares me.

In many ways, the world and all its coming to be scares me. Im not necessarily scared of what i will be doing, just what the world will be coming to. From what it used to be in the 90's to what it is now is a whole different playing field. More and more of what wasn't acceptable is becoming acceptable and the truth is, i don't know if i can handle it, better yet live with it. Now, many are being ridiculed for what they believe or do and thinking about it and what it will be like in the future frightens me because i know that i will be mocked and made fun of. I don't know what to think but right now, i shouldn't be worrying about that far into life. I need to worry about now.

- I'm never as extremely happy as i look.

Looks can be deceiving. About a good percentage of the time, i'm never as happy and it may seem. I play off the happiness in order to hide whats really going on. No one ever wants to be completely vulnerable, and it also could come off as needy and seeking attention, which i personally wouldn't do! Things always seem to effect me and if i am "happy" i end up actually being happy. Sometimes it helps for me to pretend in order to gain real happiness. To tell if i'm extremely happy, just look into my eyes and see how i act when no ones looking.

- My cutting was a lot deeper than the cuts.

Many accuse and say that I cut to get attention or sympathy. WRONG. I wasn't looking for anything like that. The complete and honest answer is that I was angry, upset and lost. So many things had been bottled up in me for quite some time that i needed to let it out. Yes, i cried the hardest i ever have but i also took it out on my body, which wasn't right. I guess i cut because i wanted to feel the pain physically and to see if i was still alive. I was by no means trying to kill myself whatsoever! I can't imagine killing myself because death scares me a little. Cutting took the pain away that i was feeling at the time and it was relief. The world and all my problems halted for moments and my mind was completely blank and it felt good to have nothing to worry about... until i could finally feel that pain from the cuts. It hurt so bad but it for some reason felt so good too. It's honestly hard to explain why i did that but all i know is that i'm done with that for good. I hurt myself, family and friends and i had no idea that it would affect as many as it did.

- I take my anger out on the ones i love.

When i'm upset, i mostly take out my anger on my parents or some close friends. I don't intentionally want to hurt them but its what happens. I'm pretty sure everyone could admit that they take out some type of anger on people in their lives, its common. Can i explain why? Yeah. It's because i know that they can take it and end up helping me or dealing with it. They know that i'm hurting inside and they let me do that and then they talk to me about it. I guess its a way to reach out when i'm down or upset in order for them to listen to me. All i want is someone to listen and not necessarily help but just take it and let me vent. Me venting out my issues calms me and in the end, helps. So if i ever take out anything on you, its because i love you and know you care enough to help or take it.

- I've been hurt too many times to count.

This happens to everyone but i just want you all to know that i have been hurt in so many ways whether it be gossip, being called names like fat, ugly, dumb or a mistake, hurt by a guy, lost a friend or treated horribly. When someone is called names, it obviously takes a toll on them and you can either let it sit with you or shake it off. There are some things i ignore but there were those that stuck around with me up until now and i guarantee they will stick around because they hurt me the most. I've been called names but there are a few that stuck with me that affect me daily and i now have become insecure about them. Even when people say its not true, i cant help but say to myself that they are lying. Also, guys have hurt me in MANY ways. I wont go into details but i have had a lot of guys play me, lead me on, or ditch me for someone "better" in their mind. It greatly affects me in numerous ways and to this day, i am hesitant with them and its hard to trust. Lately i've been dealing with a recent loss of a guy i truly cared about and our friendship we've had. Hearing the things he's said about me has killed me inside and breaks my heart every time i hear something new. That hurt will stay with me as i grow up and its no fun but i can learn from it all and find better for myself. I know as i get older i will continue to get hurt and that i will have to deal with it constantly but i can learn from it and grow into something better.

- God is and will continue to be the source of my life.

Everyday since i've accepted Him, He has been my happiness, joy, love, protector, Father, healer, Savior, Lord, peace, comforter, and so much more. He's blessed me with everything i have and i will forever praise Him as long as i live. I will live my life daily for him and in everything i ever do. He saved me, so why not live for him! :)