Me - "If You Really Knew Me."

If you really knew me...

- After months of being in my mothers womb, i decided to make my grand appearance on December 10, 1991.

I wanted to explore this world, even if that meant being five weeks early. From that first day of my new life, i've grown to find out who i am supposed to be and i continue searching more and more.

- My childhood is one that i want to remember and look back on.

Friends who have stayed and left, memories that i pray will stick with me forever, pictures that tell 1000 words, family that has impacted my life beyond anything at all, hard times that have pushed me and made me grow, lessons that i have learned from, knowledge that i will forever use, silly games that have made me laugh and smile, and the beauty of this world and life that have inspired me to cherish every little thing known to me. I guess i could say that i wouldn't have my past any other way. "There are moments when i wish i could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but i have a feeling that if i did, the joy would be gone as well. So i take the memories as they come, accepting them all, letting them guide me whenever i can." - Nicholas Sparks. My past has molded me into the woman i am today.

- My life is NOT by all means easy, and no one said it would be, i just expected it to be.

Everyday i'm faced with trials and obstacles and they for sure aren't something that is easy. Life throws unexpected things at me all the time and some are super hard to deal with! I get thru them but there are always those ones that take a toll on me for awhile and its hard to shake them. I can honestly say that i never thought it would be super easy but i never expected it to be this difficult. I struggle everyday with something and whatever it is, i try my hardest to get thru it, no matter what it takes.

- Love plays a huge roll in my life.

I give out love quicker than you can say love. Thats just the person i am; although, sometimes it ends up hurting me in the end. Im so quickly to love that i don't ever fully see the consequences/effects that might be tagged along with it and come up. My heart is SO big and i can care and love a lot but its not the healthiest for me. It really stinks that i can say i love you so quick to someone that i meet and not think about the true meaning. I'm pretty good with saying that to friends and family, which is a good thing; Luckily, i don't say that too soon with a guy. Love in the end gets me either in trouble or gives me the best feelings in the world.

- The past defines me, the present prepares me, and the future scares me.

In many ways, the world and all its coming to be scares me. Im not necessarily scared of what i will be doing, just what the world will be coming to. From what it used to be in the 90's to what it is now is a whole different playing field. More and more of what wasn't acceptable is becoming acceptable and the truth is, i don't know if i can handle it, better yet live with it. Now, many are being ridiculed for what they believe or do and thinking about it and what it will be like in the future frightens me because i know that i will be mocked and made fun of. I don't know what to think but right now, i shouldn't be worrying about that far into life. I need to worry about now.

- I'm never as extremely happy as i look.

Looks can be deceiving. About a good percentage of the time, i'm never as happy and it may seem. I play off the happiness in order to hide whats really going on. No one ever wants to be completely vulnerable, and it also could come off as needy and seeking attention, which i personally wouldn't do! Things always seem to effect me and if i am "happy" i end up actually being happy. Sometimes it helps for me to pretend in order to gain real happiness. To tell if i'm extremely happy, just look into my eyes and see how i act when no ones looking.

- My cutting was a lot deeper than the cuts.

Many accuse and say that I cut to get attention or sympathy. WRONG. I wasn't looking for anything like that. The complete and honest answer is that I was angry, upset and lost. So many things had been bottled up in me for quite some time that i needed to let it out. Yes, i cried the hardest i ever have but i also took it out on my body, which wasn't right. I guess i cut because i wanted to feel the pain physically and to see if i was still alive. I was by no means trying to kill myself whatsoever! I can't imagine killing myself because death scares me a little. Cutting took the pain away that i was feeling at the time and it was relief. The world and all my problems halted for moments and my mind was completely blank and it felt good to have nothing to worry about... until i could finally feel that pain from the cuts. It hurt so bad but it for some reason felt so good too. It's honestly hard to explain why i did that but all i know is that i'm done with that for good. I hurt myself, family and friends and i had no idea that it would affect as many as it did.

- I take my anger out on the ones i love.

When i'm upset, i mostly take out my anger on my parents or some close friends. I don't intentionally want to hurt them but its what happens. I'm pretty sure everyone could admit that they take out some type of anger on people in their lives, its common. Can i explain why? Yeah. It's because i know that they can take it and end up helping me or dealing with it. They know that i'm hurting inside and they let me do that and then they talk to me about it. I guess its a way to reach out when i'm down or upset in order for them to listen to me. All i want is someone to listen and not necessarily help but just take it and let me vent. Me venting out my issues calms me and in the end, helps. So if i ever take out anything on you, its because i love you and know you care enough to help or take it.

- I've been hurt too many times to count.

This happens to everyone but i just want you all to know that i have been hurt in so many ways whether it be gossip, being called names like fat, ugly, dumb or a mistake, hurt by a guy, lost a friend or treated horribly. When someone is called names, it obviously takes a toll on them and you can either let it sit with you or shake it off. There are some things i ignore but there were those that stuck around with me up until now and i guarantee they will stick around because they hurt me the most. I've been called names but there are a few that stuck with me that affect me daily and i now have become insecure about them. Even when people say its not true, i cant help but say to myself that they are lying. Also, guys have hurt me in MANY ways. I wont go into details but i have had a lot of guys play me, lead me on, or ditch me for someone "better" in their mind. It greatly affects me in numerous ways and to this day, i am hesitant with them and its hard to trust. Lately i've been dealing with a recent loss of a guy i truly cared about and our friendship we've had. Hearing the things he's said about me has killed me inside and breaks my heart every time i hear something new. That hurt will stay with me as i grow up and its no fun but i can learn from it all and find better for myself. I know as i get older i will continue to get hurt and that i will have to deal with it constantly but i can learn from it and grow into something better.

- God is and will continue to be the source of my life.

Everyday since i've accepted Him, He has been my happiness, joy, love, protector, Father, healer, Savior, Lord, peace, comforter, and so much more. He's blessed me with everything i have and i will forever praise Him as long as i live. I will live my life daily for him and in everything i ever do. He saved me, so why not live for him! :)

The Dark and Murderous Me.

Thoughts, words, memories - all are being tossed in every direction causing immediate confusion. They are all like beasts pounding at the doors in my head causing a headache to beat away, like a thousand drums. My mind and all that lies within it becomes scattered. My breath is being taken out of me, i'm gasping for air. The numerous strains on my heart make it feel like knives are being stabbed into me over and over again. My stomach drops, then twists and pulls, just like a knot. All of a sudden, a violent rush of chills shoot threw my entire body. Instantly, my body weakens and the energy i once had is no longer present. The emotions in me halt, waiting to burst out at the opportune moment. Inside, i have fallen apart.

Outside, i look as if i'm dead. My eyes hold a blank stare. My lips tightly shut due to the dry air. The pale covering hides the bright light in my face. A slight stiffness holds to my soft skin from the tiny droplets of tears that drizzled down my cheeks. The hands and feet i call mine feel almost as if they are numb. My weakened body feels as if i am paralyzed. I can no longer feel, think, live.

All that i feel from the inside out is being affected by one thing: aloneness. Being in solitude kills me the most. Thinking and over thinking, while to myself, causes me to destroy all that i am and ever have been. All i do is attack and attack, to the point where i'm nothing. Anything that could fill my void ceases to exist. Pain is the only thing i inflict upon myself to bring me back to the real world because i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Whether it be physical, emotional or mental, all hit that nerve that causes me to gain full consciousness. I snap out of that trance and come back to my senses, but a part of me still feels that small ounce of pain and always will.

I am my own killer; i can destroy myself, but i can also can be my own savior.

This here is a poem i wrote back in December of what i went through two years ago.

My damp cheeks, my red eyes,

All because of what I held inside.

It became too much to bare.

It felt like nobody cared.

So on that night it changed my life;

I would no longer be the same.

For who you once knew,

Became so black and blue.

On the outside i might've looked alright

But inside, i've lost the light.

"Am I really doing this?

Too late, it's done,

The crimson red is running down my arm."

To me, it cures the pain;

To the world, I look insane.

All those words going through my head,

"Go on, keep cutting, keep moving ahead."

The more I see the blood run down,

It makes me wanna fall to the ground.

Can someone, anyone save me please

From all of my misery's?

Once, twice, three times more

I cut deeply into my horrors.

Scars are what are left of my past:

Emotional and physical each day till i pass.

It all started with those words you said

And ended up with me being emotionally dead.

-Michaela Wheeler

A Hidden Identity.

A face is completely visible to the human eye, but covered by an invisible mask. Behind it withholds insecurities, secrets, lies, truths, a person. No eye can physically see this barrier and never will. It's not a permanent article to wear, but there is no expiration date as to how long it will be on thy face. This shield of protection covers up and hides the real self of many around, conceals one's face from recognition, and helps the performance of life. All have put on this mask for a reason, whether it be good or bad. But a mask steals the real identity of a person and turns them into something fake, pretend, and unreal. Many end up losing who they are and becoming something they are not. A face once familiar to humans is one that is no longer realized by those who knew it. It consumes them entirely- mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Being born with this is impossible, but once old enough to grab ahold onto it, many can put on this mask easily. The intense and satisfying feeling felt once it has been put on is indescribable. The masks molds itself around you, making it impossible to take off when you want to. It instantaneously feels so natural and seemless. The power it holds is so strong, that it can destroy- destroy the mind, the heart, the thoughts, and the person. Sometimes this power goes to one's head and makes them a completely different person. Many find comfort from this mask because they are scared, scared of how the world may view them. The world may be a hard critic, but the hardest critic of them all is yourself. If you can't love yourself for who you are, then others wont be able to either. Letting this mask get a grasp on you can cause damage to your overall being. Be strong and find comfort within. Think of this, do you want to be remembered for who you are or what people thought you were?

One's Heart According to Love.

The heart is vitale to the human being. To many, its how they feel, love, breathe. To others, it helps them make the biggest decisions of their lives. "Follow your heart," is the common phrase we hear when we're stuck in what we think is a tough situation dealing with life or love. Most apply this phrase when love is in reach or when the heart feels a strain- thinking its broken. Well we can never truly experience a real broken heart but you can feel the pain when all falls down around you. Love can be the downfall of some but also "the best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach out for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds." (Nicholas Sparks)


"Poets often describe love as an emotion that we cant control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense." (Nicholas Sparks) Love is the strongest emotion and once you have it, you cant ever let it go. Its stuck with you for the rest of your life, and if its for one person, its hard to lose it. That feeling you have developed will grow and if you really do love, it wont fade, it will only keep growing. True love, finally being understood to me, means that you care for another's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be. I feel as if everything around you doesn't matter anymore but that one who has captured your heart, taken your breath away, and has made you weak at the knees. To sum up love, in my view, is impossible and indescribable. Even your own heart cant exactly figure it out and that's what makes it so appealing to many. Love challenges you and makes you do things that are out of your comfort zone, causing a rush of emotions that doesn't make sense. Thinking straight is out of the question; common sense, gone; all emotions are uncontrollable.

What makes this so real is that once you've experienced love, words cant even describe your feelings. Honestly love means something different for each person. Not one person views love in the same way as i do; there might be bits and pieces that people agree with but most of the time, everyone isn't the same. Expressing love is shown in many shapes and forms- words, actions, feelings, art- but no one can truly show how they feel. Just sitting here thinking about this makes me go insane. Describing love and the way the heart is according to love is difficult beyond belief. I cant read between the lines for everything but i can somehow explain how i see it and view it. I will never fully understand and comprehend this complex topic, but i know that love make's the world go round. Without it, humans wouldn't feel, breathe, or love. Does this sound familiar? Love in many ways is just like the heart: vitale to the human being. Understanding love would mean understanding the heart: this being complex and impossible.

So here's to love! Oh how you slay us and yet bring happiness upon us.

Senior Year.

One word: Senioritis. This crippling disease affects almost all of those who dare to call themselves High School Seniors. This epidemic brings laziness upon all who catch this fast growing disease, and can be the downfall of many final grades. Many who catch it, never return to normal.

As one of those who has picked up this so called "disease," i sure can state that i didn't start off with it. But once you hear talk about Graduation, your future is bound to encounter this problem. Personally, I caught this disease in the beginning of the year, but not to its full potential. I slowly eased into it as the year progressed and now it has taken over my whole thought process and body. I cannot escape the tight grip it has around me and i know that i will never be rid of it until i start my college life. I guarantee i will see this thing in my near future when i am nearing the end of my college pursuits.

Now many assume that one's whole senior lifestyle is to take blow off classes, enjoy those last time high school events, and graduate, but for me, it was totally different.

Going into my Senior year, i wanted to take those harder classes that challenged me (sickening, right?). Looking back on that, I'm proud of myself and i know much more now than i ever thought i would. Also, i went in with the mindset that i was going to do everything i could possibly do that involved school events, or fun. I can say that i successfully succeeded! And lastly, i will walk down that aisle on June 3rd, with my diploma in hand, and will most likely cry as i leave everything i once knew and have known for the past 15 years of my life at PCA.

It honestly seems like just yesterday i was getting my senior class schedule and talking to all my friends to see if we had any classes together. And then i blinked. BAM! In 29 days (including weekends and those days i will be missing) i will be graduating. Everything went by so fast and its somewhat sad to me that it all went by so fast. I feel like i still have so much more to do, learn and accomplish in my life, but I'm ready. I'm ready to move on and start fresh. As weird and crazy as that sounds, i am.

So here's some advice to all who are still in high school that i wish i had given to me:
1) Don't stress on the little things that will get thrown at you. You'll end up missing something important that could be useful to your life.
2) You'll lose friends and gain friends. Keep those who are worth it close to you and put forth all your effort to make that relationship last. For those friends you loose touch with, let them go. If its meant to last, it will but don't put too much effort into something that will turn sour and waste your time. If they are getting you into too much trouble, it might be time to let them go.
3) DO NOT change for anyone! Stick to your true self. People will like you for who you are! If they don't, again, they aren't worth it.
4) Put your focus on positive things. Don't dwell on the negative or else things will end up bad.
5) Everything happens for a reason!

To me, those are the five things i wish i had told to me to get me through my high school years. And obviously, i learned from my mistakes and i will take my own advice to heart. So here's to the Seniors all across the world, Go get em tigers :)

Failure.

Failing can be the downfall of many peoples day. The pit of your stomach feels like its dropping down out of you and your heart completely stops. Your gasping for air and your wondering why you didn't do too hot on that one thing. The day seems to turn gloomy and everything feels like its all crashing down on you. Basically, you can say that from that one fail, its the worst day of your life. That might be true at the moment in time, but i highly doubt its the worst day you have ever experienced.

That was my mindset earlier this day when i was given back my Calculus test. I was dreading the handing back of the tests because i knew that i didn't do so well. Well, my gut was correct and upon receiving my test grade, i laughed hysterically. I had completely failed it. Now, the plus side is that my teacher adds ten points onto it because its a "college" class, but at my school it doesn't count as an AP class. So if those ten points weren't added on, i would've passed by one point, and to my dad, that's failing; to me, that's almost failing. Luckily, I've gotten over it but i know for a fact that my dad will not let me get over this grade. Oh well...

Well, failing is apart of life and without it we wouldn't learn from it. So its good to have those little failures in our lives cause it shows us that were not perfect and the last perfect man died on the cross. So here's to you failures, for teaching us a lesson in life!

A Weekend Warrior.

Weekend Warriors dominate fun and always come out victorious. That's exactly what I accomplished this past weekend with studying for my AP Government exam, my cousin's 6th birthday, and the nasty, glooooooomy weather we encountered on Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon.



Let's start off with Friday, every one's favorite day of the week because we can sleep in the next day! As soon as that school bell rang to get out of 7th hour, i bolted out to my car and headed off to the tanning beds to get my tan on. :) After my fake n' bake time, i went home and took a nap until i heard the voice of my best friend Logan. I preceded to wake up and we decided to sit in my comfy bed and talk about many numerous things that had been going on. We later ventured off to the sporting world of Dick's to find my softball self a mit of my very own. Upon buying our sports goods, we then headed off to go rent the movie, It's Complicated. Oh boy, was that an interesting and looooonnnngggg movie... i couldn't wait to go off to bed and sleep because i had a busy and long studying day ahead of me on Saturday.



Bzzzzzzzzzz... Well, there is my alarm and i guess its time for me to get up and get ready for my 6 HOUR review for government. Goodness! That coming out of my mouth scares me and i promises you that it'll be the death of me for sure. Six hours of studying and trying to remember everything Ive gone over throughout the year of gov?! Wooowww. It was crazy insane and my head was pounding for the rest of the day. Plus, later that night being surrounded by little ones between the age of 2-6, priceless. That just put the cherry on top of the sundae for sure. But honestly, all of those kids are adorable and i would give up any Saturday just to be around them and play with them. Once that whole Birthday party was over with, my family and i decided to hit the road and make our way homeward bound.



Sunday. I feel like such a sinner for not attending church but man was i worn out from the past two days. I needed a break, plus my rest was much needed for my test coming up on Monday, which was today (My AP exam is another topic for another day). For me, it was a lazy Sunday that all weekend warriors need at one point in their weekend extravaganza. I watched a few movies on TV like The Guardian. I completely forgot how amazing and touching that movie is. I think i can now call it one of my many favorites. So after i decided to be a bum all day, i did do something productive... i caught up on my 24 episodes that i missed the past two weeks! I have an obsession with that show and i strongly advice you to get hooked on that series because its soooo action packed and suspenseful; it will always keep you guess and on your toes, just like any weekend warrior should.



Being a weekend warrior takes a lot of skill and dedication, and one cant just be born with that, You must train and challenge yourself daily and then you will know when you have become a wonderful, outstanding, incredible, stupendous weekend warrior.



Weekends are for the warriors!